But I Love You.

This last year has been one incredible journey! The Lord is so gracious in teaching me. He helps me grow in ways I never thought possible. I'm amazed at the lessons He has planned out for me. I would like share one with you that He taught me today.

Recently, the Lord told me to just allow Him to decide what I do in everyday life. Like when I should do the dishes, laundry, vacuum etc.

That was a huge thing for me to surrender my control over to Him. He wants me to walk with Him hand and hand as His little child. To let my Heavenly Papa worry about the menial tasks of my day.

While making breakfast this morning, my 3 yr son wanted to help me. I was making eggs, so I really did not want his help. He insisted that he help me. Against my wishes he grabbed an egg and you can guess what happened next. Yes, there was egg on my floor. My well meaning son stood there as I told him to step away. He said, " But Mommy, I love you." He was really only trying to help.

Right then the Lord Jesus spoke to me. He said, "When you try to help me, and I haven't given you the okay...you make a mess." "Follow ME my little child...I'II take care of the rest." 

How many times I have done something out of love only to have made of mess of things? I have so much hope for the days to come as I continue to learn to follow Jesus for everything. 

When God Makes Your Prison into a Palace

Thank you all for your prayers and love for me. It means so much to me. The Lord is doing great work in my heart and life. It amazes me how the Lord changes my heart on a matter and not the circumstances. Everything is still the same, but me.

Recently, the Lord has asked me a scary question. He asked, "Will you die for Me?" I have to admit I was pretty nervous when He asked that. Then He explained, "Erica, I want you to die to all your dreams, plans, and ambitions." I laid there in silence. I thought, "Lord, I am disppointed with how my life has turned out." "I always thought i would be a "frontline" person in your army, but no I'm stuck at home." "Lord, if I give up my dreams, I'll be stuck in my prison forever."

So, I laid my dreams down at Jesus feet. I told Him I surrender all...that I really want to love Him. Then Jesus sweetly reminded me that my prison is a gift from Him. You see I'm not required to be anywhere. I'm free to be with my sons, and love them. Also I'm free to use my gift of intercessory prayer anytime I'm led too. Though I am not a "frontline" person, I get to influence the "frontlines" by prayer and fellowship. That is so big to me! My prison is now a beautiful palace and I love it!

Jesus' Birthday Present to me!

This past week I celebrated my 32nd birthday. Starlynn, Joselle, Linda, Sylvia, Kara, Heather, Anne, and later Carla were with me and loved me on that day. We did something I had never done on my birthday...we cared for each others hearts. There were lots of tears shed and hearts heard.

After breakfast I finally went to bed! Yes, you read that right. hahaha! I woke up to a text message. The message was from my biological father. He was wishing me a happy birthday. Which he hadn't done since I was a kid.

I immediately began to sob in tears. I tried to do it quietly so I wouldn't wake up my roommate. I laid there asking the Lord, "Why?" "Why today of all days?" "My heart can't handle this today." "Lord, what do You want me to do with this?" He replied to me, "Love him." With even more tears I said, "How can I love someone who left me thirty years ago?" "God, his leaving has brought me so much pain." Again He said, "Love him for Me."

I then got up from the bed and went into the living room area. I handed my phone to Kara to show her the text. She looked at it. I sat on the floor, and continued my conversation with the Lord. The Lord brought to mind the verse...  

Malachi 4:6a...

"And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers," 

The Lord then told me to CALL my biological father! I sat there reeling. I immediately told the Lord that if I did that I would be betraying my adopted my family. The Lord sweetly said," You are adding not taking away." " Remember the prayer you would pray when you were six....that your daddy would come home...I am answering your prayer today." I then said to the Lord, "What do I even say?" Jesus replied, "Hi, would be nice." hahaha! Jesus' words brought me great comfort, but I thought I would get out of calling my biological father my phone was dying and I couldn't find my charger. Then Kara offered her phone for me to use.

I took her phone and called him. He answered and I said, "Hi, this is Erica." He immediately began to ask for my forgiveness for leaving me thirty years ago. He told me he was sorry for not being there to protect me from all that I suffered as a child. He told me not a day went by that he didn't think about me. I could not believe it! Was this for real? I then told him that I forgive him. That is so huge for me!!!! He wanted to know about my husband and my sons. We have become friends on facebook. He is pursuing me. Waiting for me to respond.

I don't know what our relationship will look like. I look at him as a friend that I have missed for a long time. Please pray for me that I would love him like Jesus told me to. Getting him back in my life was the best present ever. 

What? How's my heart? Where was Jesus?

April 2010...I came across a lady on Facebook that I had heard speak at the Christian Womanhood Spectacular in 2008. I remember sitting in the back of the room listening to her speak about "Jesus, her knight-in-shining armor." I marveled at her transparency and closeness to Jesus. I sat there thinking... if she found healing...why can't I? Two years had past and I was in a worse state than I was then. 

One day I was looking at my new friend's FB page. I saw she had a blog, so out of curiosity I checked it out. It was entitled "Hello Love". I could not believe my eyes. I had been asking God to send someone to help me. So I took a risk and asked my new friend if she would help me. She gladly told me she would.

At the beginning, she suggested some books for me to read. At the end of one of the books...there was a part that ripped open an old wound that I had been carrying for years.

I totally broke down. I could no longer pretend to be strong. I called my friend in tears. I was dying inside and I did not know why.

My friend asked me what was wrong. I did not know. I cried and cried. She cried with me. Then asked me if she could ask Jesus where this pain was coming from. She prayed. Immediately, the Lord brought a memory to my mind. Something I had forgotten. Here's my memory...I was sixteen...just watched one of sisters get beaten. As my sister was being carried away she screamed out that my mom's live-in boyfriend had molested her. I stood there in horror, because two years before that I was molested by the same man, and out of fear I never said a word. I thought it was ALL MY FAULT! I BELIEVED I WAS RESPONSIBLE!

The pain of that memory overwhelmed me! I could not speak...I was crying so hard. Then my friend asked me," WHERE IS JESUS IN THIS MEMORY?" I told her in disgust that Jesus was not there. He ABANDONED me. That's what I believed. So she asked me to ask Jesus where He was in my memory. I laid on my bed...closed my eyes, and asked Jesus where He was.

Then my memory came back, but this time (wow! the tears are flowing) it was different. This what I saw...Jesus was holding me as I laid across His lap. He was gently stroking my hair, and telling me that I am precious to Him. That I am clean and pure. That what happened to me and my sisters was NOT MY FAULT! I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY SISTER'S PAIN.

Jesus REPLACED the LIE with His TRUTH! So now when the devil comes and tells me that it is my fault...that I cause people pain. I can run to Jesus and be reminded of His Truth. 

Ladies, I know the sound of Heart Recovery can be scary. You maybe afraid to face your pain. I know a lot times I am. I have gone through probably a hundred hours of Heart Recovery. It is a process of Jesus renewing your mind. Trading your FALSE BELIEFS for His TRUTH! What a deal! When it comes to healing there is no quick fix. Jesus heals you a layer at a time. He's not going to drown you. He ALWAYS comes to the rescue!

I will be sharing more at another time, I can only speak what I know to be true! I love you ladies! Each of you are so precious and worth fighting for!

You Are Here!

I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God toward me! I stand here looking back over the last seven months, and I am just in awe over what the Lord has done for me! Things that I thought would never happen for me have in a wonderful way! I just want to praise Jesus today! 


I've gone from no hope to great hope! I thought I was worthless, and Jesus has showed me that I am of great worth! Jesus has taught me that I matter! He has shown me in many ways that I am adored by Him! He loves me! Wow! He has given me a reason to live! 


His Grace is so amazing! How many times I have felt His loving arms around me, when I was going through some of my darkest nights. To know He has written down all my tears and put them in bottle Psalms 56. I know it is a journey that I am on, but I can't help but praise Him for what He's done...and where He has brought me from! The Psalmist said, "He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear , and shall trust in the LORD." Psalms 40:2-3 (emphasis mine)


Dear Reader, maybe you feel God has not given you a fair shake. I felt that way, but an amazing thing happened when I asked Jesus for His truth. He showed me that He is not a man that He should lie. He can be trusted! He loves you so much! He wants to show you today!  I would love to hear some of your stories of what Jesus has done for you! Let's praise Him together! Remember you are Worth it!

Faith is the Time Machine

What do you do when you suffer loss? When things seem they will never change? When you think the pain will never end? I know I have asked myself. "Is it worth it?" "Is God going to come through for me?" "Can I trust Him?"

Recently, the Lord had me reread a book that I have read many times. It talks about a woman that takes her journey with the Shepherd to the High Places. While reading I felt as if I were the character in this story. One of the things that stuck out to me was her FAITH and SURRENDER to the Shepherd.

Her heart longed to be LOVED. I know this longing very well. When I began my journey to healing...the thing I desired the most was to be loved and accepted. Slowly the Lord showed me that walls stood between Him and I, and the love I so desired.

It is a painful process...removing walls of self protection. Being vulnerable is a scary thing to me. To remove the mask, and let all see. My heart cries for fellowship and acceptance, but I can't have it unless the walls are down.

When I started to remove the walls things started to change! You see I have been told many times that I would be loved and accepted. I would have the fellowship my heart desires. I could not see it, but I had to have faith that God would do that for me. Faith is the time machine!

Yesterday, visiting with my family for Thanksgiving a miracle took place! With the walls of self protection down...I felt I actually belonged to my family. I fit! I did not need to hide or perform! For those who did not know this I'm adopted. So I always felt that I was a misfit. That I had to perform to be accepted and loved. Not yesterday!

I was just glowing and overjoyed to know in my heart that God had fulfilled His promise to me...that I would be loved and accepted! I would have fellowship! I do! I have it just like He said!

Dear Reader, hold on to the promise that Jesus has made to you! He is not a man that He should lie. Have faith! It is coming! Remember, you are Worth It!

On My Way To Higher Ground

A couple days ago the Lord Jesus asked me a very important question. He asked me if I am willing to travel alone on this journey of healing. My heart was shattered when He asked that question. That was the last thing I wanted to do...travel alone.

I had an opportunity to visit with my In-Laws. They live in the country, and they have beautiful acreage. When I got there...I felt compel to go on a hike. I took my music with me, and I began to pray. I was asking the Lord what He was doing."Why now?" "Are you going to bring me more pain?" "Are sending me into a valley?" As I walked the ground was headed into a valley. As I stood at the top, I began to cry to God,"Is this what you want for me to go into a dark place?" I stared hard at the valley below me. I said to the Lord, "I don't understand...I know you want me to hear your voice above all others." "Why do it this way?" He then told me to go down into that physical valley, and while I'm doing that sing, and worship Him.

I did. I walked down that steep hillside, and sang my heart out. When I got to the bottom. I fell on my face, before God. I was overwhelmed. He said to me,"Arise, my child, It's time I let you walk on your own." "I've been carrying you all this time, because you could not walk." "Now you can." "I'm for you!" "When you need me...I'm only a breath away." "Listen for my Voice of Truth."

There I was standing at the bottom of this valley...tears running down my face. I asked the Lord, "Where do I go now?" He directed me to the steepest place you could climb from where I was. So I headed to climb this steep hill...as I climbed...the Lord Jesus sweetly said to me, "My Beloved, you're headed to higher ground." As I continued, I began to get winded, and tired. All the while the song, "My Beloved" by Kari Jobe was playing in my ears. The Lord told me I am going to get weary on the way to higher ground, but He would give me rest and restore my soul. I stopped moving, because I became so weak. Again the Lord Jesus told me it's okay to stop, just don't go back.

When I got to the top, it was breathtaking! Jesus and I were still having this conversation. I asked Him, "Where do I go now?" I came to a narrow path, it had lots of brush sticking up. I said, "Not this way Jesus...there are too many sticks in the way." You guessed it...this is way He wanted me to go. He wanted me to run! He had me listen to the song, "Keep Running On" by Kara Leinonen. So I ran through this brush covered path listening to this song,  At the end of the path, I stopped and screamed, "I give up!" "I give up following religion and the fear of man!" "I die to everything I have ever been taught...I'm just going to follow you, Jesus!" "Make Your Voice so loud that I hear no other!"

At that moment, a warmth came over me. The feeling you get when you receive a hug from someone you know loves you a lot. I stood there for awhile, and said nothing. Then the Lord said to me, "Go a little further, I have something else I want to tell you."  So I did, and there was a table and chairs setting in the middle of nowhere! I laughed and told the Lord Jesus, "Are you kidding me?" I sat down, and the Lord Jesus began to tell me that He loves me very much! That I'm very important to Him! He told me this little journey I took with Him today was a just picture of  my journey with Him to higher ground. I told Him there that I trust Him. That I believe He knows what is best path for me to take, even if humanly speaking I have to do it alone.

 Has the Lord ever asked you to do something that you had no idea how you would ever do it? Remember you are SO WORTH IT to Jesus! Love to hear your thoughts.