But I Love You.

This last year has been one incredible journey! The Lord is so gracious in teaching me. He helps me grow in ways I never thought possible. I'm amazed at the lessons He has planned out for me. I would like share one with you that He taught me today.

Recently, the Lord told me to just allow Him to decide what I do in everyday life. Like when I should do the dishes, laundry, vacuum etc.

That was a huge thing for me to surrender my control over to Him. He wants me to walk with Him hand and hand as His little child. To let my Heavenly Papa worry about the menial tasks of my day.

While making breakfast this morning, my 3 yr son wanted to help me. I was making eggs, so I really did not want his help. He insisted that he help me. Against my wishes he grabbed an egg and you can guess what happened next. Yes, there was egg on my floor. My well meaning son stood there as I told him to step away. He said, " But Mommy, I love you." He was really only trying to help.

Right then the Lord Jesus spoke to me. He said, "When you try to help me, and I haven't given you the okay...you make a mess." "Follow ME my little child...I'II take care of the rest." 

How many times I have done something out of love only to have made of mess of things? I have so much hope for the days to come as I continue to learn to follow Jesus for everything. 

When God Makes Your Prison into a Palace

Thank you all for your prayers and love for me. It means so much to me. The Lord is doing great work in my heart and life. It amazes me how the Lord changes my heart on a matter and not the circumstances. Everything is still the same, but me.

Recently, the Lord has asked me a scary question. He asked, "Will you die for Me?" I have to admit I was pretty nervous when He asked that. Then He explained, "Erica, I want you to die to all your dreams, plans, and ambitions." I laid there in silence. I thought, "Lord, I am disppointed with how my life has turned out." "I always thought i would be a "frontline" person in your army, but no I'm stuck at home." "Lord, if I give up my dreams, I'll be stuck in my prison forever."

So, I laid my dreams down at Jesus feet. I told Him I surrender all...that I really want to love Him. Then Jesus sweetly reminded me that my prison is a gift from Him. You see I'm not required to be anywhere. I'm free to be with my sons, and love them. Also I'm free to use my gift of intercessory prayer anytime I'm led too. Though I am not a "frontline" person, I get to influence the "frontlines" by prayer and fellowship. That is so big to me! My prison is now a beautiful palace and I love it!

Jesus' Birthday Present to me!

This past week I celebrated my 32nd birthday. Starlynn, Joselle, Linda, Sylvia, Kara, Heather, Anne, and later Carla were with me and loved me on that day. We did something I had never done on my birthday...we cared for each others hearts. There were lots of tears shed and hearts heard.

After breakfast I finally went to bed! Yes, you read that right. hahaha! I woke up to a text message. The message was from my biological father. He was wishing me a happy birthday. Which he hadn't done since I was a kid.

I immediately began to sob in tears. I tried to do it quietly so I wouldn't wake up my roommate. I laid there asking the Lord, "Why?" "Why today of all days?" "My heart can't handle this today." "Lord, what do You want me to do with this?" He replied to me, "Love him." With even more tears I said, "How can I love someone who left me thirty years ago?" "God, his leaving has brought me so much pain." Again He said, "Love him for Me."

I then got up from the bed and went into the living room area. I handed my phone to Kara to show her the text. She looked at it. I sat on the floor, and continued my conversation with the Lord. The Lord brought to mind the verse...  

Malachi 4:6a...

"And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers," 

The Lord then told me to CALL my biological father! I sat there reeling. I immediately told the Lord that if I did that I would be betraying my adopted my family. The Lord sweetly said," You are adding not taking away." " Remember the prayer you would pray when you were six....that your daddy would come home...I am answering your prayer today." I then said to the Lord, "What do I even say?" Jesus replied, "Hi, would be nice." hahaha! Jesus' words brought me great comfort, but I thought I would get out of calling my biological father my phone was dying and I couldn't find my charger. Then Kara offered her phone for me to use.

I took her phone and called him. He answered and I said, "Hi, this is Erica." He immediately began to ask for my forgiveness for leaving me thirty years ago. He told me he was sorry for not being there to protect me from all that I suffered as a child. He told me not a day went by that he didn't think about me. I could not believe it! Was this for real? I then told him that I forgive him. That is so huge for me!!!! He wanted to know about my husband and my sons. We have become friends on facebook. He is pursuing me. Waiting for me to respond.

I don't know what our relationship will look like. I look at him as a friend that I have missed for a long time. Please pray for me that I would love him like Jesus told me to. Getting him back in my life was the best present ever. 

What? How's my heart? Where was Jesus?

April 2010...I came across a lady on Facebook that I had heard speak at the Christian Womanhood Spectacular in 2008. I remember sitting in the back of the room listening to her speak about "Jesus, her knight-in-shining armor." I marveled at her transparency and closeness to Jesus. I sat there thinking... if she found healing...why can't I? Two years had past and I was in a worse state than I was then. 

One day I was looking at my new friend's FB page. I saw she had a blog, so out of curiosity I checked it out. It was entitled "Hello Love". I could not believe my eyes. I had been asking God to send someone to help me. So I took a risk and asked my new friend if she would help me. She gladly told me she would.

At the beginning, she suggested some books for me to read. At the end of one of the books...there was a part that ripped open an old wound that I had been carrying for years.

I totally broke down. I could no longer pretend to be strong. I called my friend in tears. I was dying inside and I did not know why.

My friend asked me what was wrong. I did not know. I cried and cried. She cried with me. Then asked me if she could ask Jesus where this pain was coming from. She prayed. Immediately, the Lord brought a memory to my mind. Something I had forgotten. Here's my memory...I was sixteen...just watched one of sisters get beaten. As my sister was being carried away she screamed out that my mom's live-in boyfriend had molested her. I stood there in horror, because two years before that I was molested by the same man, and out of fear I never said a word. I thought it was ALL MY FAULT! I BELIEVED I WAS RESPONSIBLE!

The pain of that memory overwhelmed me! I could not speak...I was crying so hard. Then my friend asked me," WHERE IS JESUS IN THIS MEMORY?" I told her in disgust that Jesus was not there. He ABANDONED me. That's what I believed. So she asked me to ask Jesus where He was in my memory. I laid on my bed...closed my eyes, and asked Jesus where He was.

Then my memory came back, but this time (wow! the tears are flowing) it was different. This what I saw...Jesus was holding me as I laid across His lap. He was gently stroking my hair, and telling me that I am precious to Him. That I am clean and pure. That what happened to me and my sisters was NOT MY FAULT! I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY SISTER'S PAIN.

Jesus REPLACED the LIE with His TRUTH! So now when the devil comes and tells me that it is my fault...that I cause people pain. I can run to Jesus and be reminded of His Truth. 

Ladies, I know the sound of Heart Recovery can be scary. You maybe afraid to face your pain. I know a lot times I am. I have gone through probably a hundred hours of Heart Recovery. It is a process of Jesus renewing your mind. Trading your FALSE BELIEFS for His TRUTH! What a deal! When it comes to healing there is no quick fix. Jesus heals you a layer at a time. He's not going to drown you. He ALWAYS comes to the rescue!

I will be sharing more at another time, I can only speak what I know to be true! I love you ladies! Each of you are so precious and worth fighting for!